Your core self is your authentic Self, not your survival Self.
The following are tools to transform a shame-riddled Self into a positive, balanced, secure Self. The first step in this process is connecting to your core self.
- Inner work requires the task of developing the inner witness that can observe your programmed thoughts and impulses as opposed to acting upon your ideas and desires unconsciously. Your inner witness can watch the traffic in your mind without judging or believing it. This skill of being present in the moment allows you to connect to your core self and see reality more clearly.
- It is imperative to gain insight into how your brain and heart were wired for connection from your early relational experiences with your family of origin. Reflect: What are your attachment patterns which are part of your survival identity?
- Recognize how your life-saving survival strategies/coping defenses are still being used when they are no longer relevant. And actually, cause you to abandon your core self. Reflect: What are the frequent compulsions, obsessions, and addictions that your survival Self uses in life?
- Confront your patterns: attachment patterns, survival patterns, and coping patterns, so you rely less on them and more on your conscious adult Self.
- Understand that your inner critic is internalized voices from the past. Don’t identify with its shaming blaming criticisms. Use your inner witness to control your brain and stop the voices from continually looping in your mind. This bolsters self-worth and heals depression.
- Nurture yourself with compassionate internal self-talk. Talk to yourself as you would a good friend.
- Don’t avoid, withdraw, or hide when fearful. Take action and approach life so you can build authentic confidence and healthy self-esteem. Approaching instead of avoiding heals anxiety.
- Remember: mistakes, failures, and rejections are inevitable in life. They do not mean you are not worthy of love and success. You need to give yourself time to both make mistakes and live them out, without internalizing those mistakes as personal failures, precisely to gain eventual mastery.
- Purpose and meaning are sources of happiness. Take time to be reflective of what gives your life meaning and purpose and be committed to that endeavor.
With love on this Valentine’s Day,